FitBit Struggling to Compete with Pokémon Go
SAN FRANCISCO – Fitbit founders and CEOs James Park and Eric Friedman are scrambling to keep up with the launch of the new Pokémon Go app. According to Park and Friedman, the new Pokémon craze is quickly becoming the number one reason for folks to get up and get fit, and it’s causing irreparable damage to Fitbit sales and usage.
“Our popularity is plummeting,” says Friedman. “A year ago, knowing how far you walk in a day and comparing and competing with your friend’s stats was the main reason people got off the couch. Our devices were the reason people parked at the back of the grocery store lot to get in a few extra steps. Now? THERE’S FREAKING POKÉ MON AT THE BACK OF THE LOT!”
When asked to comment, the creators of Pokemon Go seemed perplexed. Niantic, the company that created Pokémon Go, CEO John Hanke replied, “Well…you know Pokémon Go isn’t a fitness app, right? It’s just a fun way to catch pocket monsters. If there’s a side effect of folks getting more exercise, well, that’s great! But we’re not trying to compete in the same market as Fitbit. I wish their head office would stop calling us to ‘negotiate’ taking down our app. We’re not going to do that.”
James Park of Fitbit, for one, is adamant that the new pocket-monster catching craze is causing more harm than good. “Pokémon are ruining my life,” said Park melodramatically. “They’re ruining my business, they’re stealing our customers, and I don’t even know what those damn things are! Like, they live out in the wild, but are totally cool being magically trapped inside a tiny ball? And then they will fight for the dude that captures them? How does that make any sense?” Park then began to sob uncontrollably before admitting, “And the sad thing is, I’m part of the problem! It’s just so fun, I can’t help it! I’ve just GOT to catch them all!”