Fitbit Now Measures Offensiveness of Perfume

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Wrist with Fitbit

SAN FRANCISCO – The creators of Fitbit activity trackers, colorful silicone monitors worn on your wrists to monitor everything from your heart rate to your sleep schedule, have just introduced a new model with a new feature that has some users crying foul. The newest model Whiffbit monitors the offensiveness of your daily spritz of perfume or cologne and emits a cheerful chirp when you should dial it back.

User Rose Miasma isn’t impressed at how the device detects units of scent and determines oversaturation, she just wants the feature gone. “I think I smell great,” said Miasma, who frequently empties elevator cars with sprays of Joop! For Women, “I’m already behind on my step quota for the day, I will not have the same machine tell me I should be minimizing my scent footprint. I’m under enough scrutiny, okay?”

Miasma may not appreciate the feature, but those in her vicinity have noted reduced headaches, increased productivity and improved ability to work with Miasma in enclosed spaces. A work colleague who preferred not to be named gave Miasma’s Whiffbit high marks, “I used to start my day with tears with my eyes. I tried opening windows, I left her anonymous notes, nothing worked. Now we can all breathe in peace.”

Many users have noted an uptick in social invitations, positive job reviews, and romantic engagement after using the Whiffbit, but developers are still uncovering new side effects with overuse. “I may have met my perfume level requirements, but now my fetid odor readout is off the charts,” said Miasma, tossing her Whiffbit in the trash, “good riddance.”