First ATM Installed in White House as a Convenience to Lobbyists

closeup shot of someone inserting a card into an ATM

WASHINGTON D.C. – On Friday, the first Automated Teller Machine was installed in the White House as a convenience for surrogates for the oil & gas industry, NRA, Koch Brothers, and other hard working lobbyists.

The ATM was placed in the middle of the Rose Garden, and dispenses up to 55 million dollars at a time, with an option for 50,000 fast cash in unmarked hundred dollar bills. There will be, however, a three-dollar fee on most transactions.

“Too little money is circulating on Capital Hill these days,” exclaimed former Goldman Sachs exec and Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin. “And I know why. There’s no reasonably placed ATM on the White House lawn! You’ve got to go several blocks to get any cash, and no lobbyist worth their salt has time to do that during the heat of bribing.”

Mnuchin explained another benefit to reporters, noting, “ATMs converts currency from one denomination to the next at the best possible exchange rate, making the white house extremely amicable for Russian dignitaries.” Mnuchin then paused, pulled his collar away from his neck with his finger to let out some steam before adding, “the dignitaries could come from any country, of course.”

Mnuchin elaborated on a specific example of how this new White House ATM will come in handy. “Let’s just say certain lobbyists, from a certain country, want to show a certain high ranking politician a good time. And so they want to purchase that politician a piece of entertainment that rhymes with ‘Bolden Power.’ But without a big wad of cash, how are you going to pay the entertainers? This new ATM solves this dilemma and should lead to hundreds of happy endings.”

Also slated for construction at the white house is a new laundromat business, which White House officials speculate will help funnel some of the excitement brought on by the new ATM machine.