SPERMATOZOON – Dr. Overla Qualiphied found herself in an awkward situation this past Tuesday, when male patient Mans Plain entered her office for a routine checkup for his hemorrhoids. Although she could never know with 100% certainty, Dr. Qualiphied was left with the strong impression that Mr. Plain thought that the male nurse was his physician, and that she was just the nurse.
The doctor knew something was up when Ricky, the office nurse who just happened to be male, exited Mr. Plain’s room after taking his vitals with a look of bewilderment. Ricky informed Dr. Qualiphied, “The patient wanted to know his diagnosis, and what sort of prescriptions I was going to give him. I told him to wait till we came back in, but he just yelled back, ‘When are you going to check my butt? What am I paying you for here?!?’”
Later Dr. Qualified entered Man Splain’s room with her assistant Ricky to go over his condition. As Dr. Qualified explained the symptoms to Mr. Plain, she noticed that he kept shifting his eyes over to Ricky, waiting for the obviously younger and less experienced nurse to chime in. “I got the distinct feeling that Man Splain was looking to Ricky to tell him the ‘real deal’ about his condition,” Dr. Qualified confided to us. “It’s incredible! It never crossed his mind that I could be the doctor. I figured it would be obvious given my white coat, the plaque on the wall out front, the fact that I came in after the nurse, and the fact that he scheduled an appointment with someone with my exact name. You know, with me. You’d think all those things would have clued him in, but preconceived stereotypes are a powerful force acting on the mind, I suppose.”
At this point, Dr. Qualified’s face began to turn red with amusement. “Don’t tell anyone this, because I could lose my practice, but I was so fed up with Mr. Man Splain’s oblivious prejudice that I, well, I performed a little procedure that was a bit unnecessary, given what he told us. Surprise prostate exam!” When asked why she performed this uncomfortable rectal exam, Dr. Qualiphied replied, “I suppose it’s the medical equivalent to a waiter spitting on a rude customer’s food. He’ll never know that he didn’t need it, and I can laugh as his privileged ass waddles out of my office bow-legged. Juvenile? Yes. Worth it? Totally.”