WASHINGTON – As the investigation by Special Counsel Robert Mueller picks up steam, people are left wondering as to whether charges will be brought against the President. Today Mueller spoke to the press and set the record straight by stating that, not only will charges be brought, but Trump will indeed be charged as an adult.
Longstanding Trump legal representative Susan Hides took to Trump’s defense to explain why the president should actually be charged at his emotional age. “Just look at his behavior. Making fun of handicapped people? Clearly just teenage name-calling. His giant flashcards? A learning tool for an undeveloped mind. The system should not punish someone who doesn’t have the cognitive capacity of an adult.”
The FBI however has been stockpiling their own ammunition against him. The prosecution points to his hairline as clearly belonging to a man well beyond puberty. “It’s also comes to our attention that he’s been using his senior discount at the delis around town,” said Mueller. “A child simply cannot get the Super-Senior-Sub discount at Stachowski’s.”
It may not be enough however as many are coming forward to speak on behalf of the president’s ignorance. The actual statements from Trump’s cabinet are particularly damning:
“A fucking moron.” – Rex Tillerson, Trump’s Secretary of State
“An 11-year-old child.” – Steve Bannon, Trump’s former Chief Advisor
“An idiot and a dope with the intelligence of a kindergartner.” – HR McMaster, Trump’s National Security Advisor
It’s clear the majority of people who have spent time with Trump view him of somewhat of a toddler, which may make it difficult for the prosecution to put witnesses on the stand. While the argument for emotional maturity may or may not hold up in court, we feel the defense’s backup plan, to have him tried by his reading level, may be just what they need to get him exonerated.