Facebook Stock Plunges After Obama Suggests Arguing Face to Face

934
Man with long hair argues with a man wearing a hat and dark glasses in the middle of the road. A woman stands some distance away between them with her hands on her hips.
Photo by Omarius 14

SAN FRANCISCO – When former President Obama uttered the words, “If you’re tired of arguing with strangers on the Internet, try to talk with one in real life,” during his farewell speech, few could imagine the carnage it would reap throughout Silicon Valley and beyond. Since then, social media titan Facebook’s stock has been in a virtual freefall as more and more Americans have taken to the streets to hash out their differences mano a mano.

“There they all were, shining brightly like stars in the night sky,” said one Facebook official, referring to millions of US based users. “Then it was as if they were all snuffed out – we found a bunch of them later out at the bar, though. There were some pretty heated discussions going on but for the most part people were being cool to one another.”

In the days following Obama’s speech, many Americans began to realize that, yes, they were sick of arguing with strangers on the internet. From there, the rest was pretty simple.

“You know what I discovered?” said Todd as he ordered a couple of beers for himself and his new friend Joe, who he’d been arguing economic policy with for a couple hours before they realized they were both rabid Laker fans.

“It’s harder to be an asshat to people face to face. That’s good for America and from now on I’m only using the internet for cat videos and porn like it was intended.”

Analysts agree that if Facebook continues to lose belligerent users, the company’s days as an invincible unicorn would be numbered. When asked for comment, Mark Zuckerberg responded, “thanks Obama.”