Desperate for Soccer Talent, US Raids Foreign Sperm Banks

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United States Men's National Soccer team goalie Tim Howard making a kick save.

ZURICH – FIFA Officials were actually quite pleased to announce that the United States cared enough about its international football reputation to get itself mired in a shameful scandal in order to gain a competitive edge. According to an internal report, the US embarked on a clandestine infiltration of sperm banks in Europe, and South America in an attempt to obtain DNA from athletes in soccer loving countries.

“This news is appalling and a violation of the spirit of sportsmanship and international friendship,” said FIFA President Gianni Infantino. “But, I would really like to say, it’s refreshing to see the Americans make a real attempt at getting better. Way to go guys. Just be a little more careful next time so you don’t get caught.”

Sources close to US officials with detailed knowledge of the “extraction teams” offered hope to fans of the beautiful game that the sperm bank raids were merely the tip of the iceberg. Though acquiring foreign DNA was an important part of the plan, it amounted to little more than raw material.

“Sure, it would be nice to have some little Ronaldo’s swimming around in our test tubes for style points, but really that was just a sideline gig to solve a goofy nature nurture argument they were having at the lab.” That was just one of the revelations offered by an anonymous lab technician who cooperated with authorities in exchange for immunity. He explained the fascinating plot in detail.

“So, like I was saying, we didn’t really need the DNA because we threw a big party with some NBA guys, had some girls over, yadda, yadda. The girls hang around here for nine months, pop out the little Messis and go back to their countries of origin. After that it’s just a matter of sending money to make sure the little superstars to be get the right training. They hit age 15 and boom! Everyone gets a scholarship to come back to the country of their birth. We’re freakin’ geniuses.”

In light of the typical parade of bribery, prostitution and performance enhancing drugs, the US scandal was accepted as positively delightful in the eyes of the international community. Many felt the United States was finally coming around to fully appreciate the beloved traditions of lies and backroom deals while being creative enough to develop their own signature approach. As one official put it,” everyone does the attache case full of money, but is that a Balenciaga briefcase, or a Brooks Brothers? These things matter.”