NEW YORK—Showcasing the ornate racks lined with signature knee braces, dry-cleaned hospital gowns, and ivory crutches, New York Knicks point guard Derrick Rose unveiled his extravagant new walk-in medicine cabinet to reporters Thursday.
“Feast your eyes, gentlemen. This new cabinet has all the amenities I need to keep my pain medication collection and rehab equipment organized,” Rose said of his 2,000 square foot cabinet, which was designed by French architect, Jean-Michel Dubois, at the recommendation of Rose’s friend Tony Romo. “Sure, this may seem excessive to the uninjured eye. But I spend so much time behind this enormous mirror, so I spared no expense.”
Sources confirmed that the cabinet is fully equipped with overhead surgical light fixtures, a private iced bath chamber and a mahogany-paneled operating table. Despite all of the decadent features that the $3 million cabinet offers, Rose’s most cherished element is the cabinet’s personal butler, Dr. Buchart, who tailors new pairs of ligaments to fit his knees.
“Nothing beats kicking back in here after a hard day’s rehab with my decanter of Ben Gay, maybe slip into my iron lung if it’s been particularly tough,” Rose continued while showing off his motorized ace bandage rack. “This room is my sanctuary. My temple. Although, I’m afraid I’ll probably have to upgrade to something bigger by the time next season starts.”
At press time, the three-time NBA All-Star went on to announce that he had just purchased a beachfront vacation hospital in California where he can escape the cold New York winters.