WASHINGTON D.C. – A group of world-weary left-leaning congressmen and women met in an underground conference room on Capitol Hill today to discuss emergency plans for how to move forward. After a bruising campaign in which their party leader only received 3 million more votes than the opponent, Democrats are ready to throw out their old ideas and try something new.
“We’ve lost touch with the American people,” claimed Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer after emerging from the closed-door meeting. “I think it’s pretty clear that people don’t want universal healthcare, marriage equality, reproductive services for women or a raise of the minimum wage. They must not like any of that stuff, or else more than the 3 million more people that voted for the Republican nominee would have voted for us. So, we’re going to have to rethink things a bit.”
Some on left have speculated that Democrats have gone too far with establishment candidates and should instead embrace the more progressive wing of the party lead by Bernie Sanders, Keith Ellison and others. Senator Elizabeth Warren agrees, stating after the emergency meeting that, “Bernie Sanders had all of the energy during the primary. Sure, he got less votes than Hillary, and his policy positions mostly lined up with hers anyway, but he wasn’t saddled scandal and, let’s face it, the Clinton name. She’s been stuck with that for decades. Yes, it’s true that despite all of that, Hillary still got many more votes than Trump, but still, we need a change. That much is clear.”
As for the best strategy moving forward, House Democrats did admit to knocking around a few ideas. Minority House Leader Nancy Pelosi elaborated, “Well, look, the Republicans were very successful gerrymandering districts after their sweeping victories in the 2010 midterm elections. We might go that route. Also, the Tea Party gave them a lot more seats in congress and some national political momentum. We thought maybe we’d do our own version that keeps our liberal elite status intact. So perhaps we’ll start a Vente Spiced Latte Party, or a Mocha Frappuccino Party…not sure, we’re still working out the details.”