Defense Secretary Warns Against Feeding the Kremlin After Midnight

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Exterior of The Kremlin at night

WASHINGTON D.C. – Secretary of Defense James N. Mattis recently issued a stern warning to President Trump about how to handle dealings with the Russian government. After emerging from a closed-door briefing with the 45th President, Mattis talked to the press about this urgent matter of national security.

Speaking in hushed tones, Mattis proceeded cautiously, stating, “With handling US-Kremlin relations comes great responsibility. I cannot divulge specific intelligence to the media at any price.”

“However, I can give you the broad strokes of my advice to President, as all Americans should heed this warning. There are some rules one must follow when dealing with the Kremlin: First of all, keep the Kremlin out of the light. It’s a shadowy organization, and too much exposure will kill it. Second, don’t give the Kremlin any water, not even to drink. They prefer vodka. But the most important rule, the rule you can never forget, no matter how much they cry, no matter how much they beg…never feed the Kremlin after midnight.”

When asked for an explanation for why one must never do this, Mattis was mum. “Just don’t do it. I stressed the absolute importance of this final rule to the president. Let’s pray he listened.”

Unfortunately for U.S. security interests, it appears Trump did not. White house officials caught the President using the “red telephone” to Moscow to make pizza party dinner plans at the Kremlin for late Friday evening. Phone records indicate the plans were made for approximately 1am, Moscow Time. Mattis, for one, was shocked. “I warned him. US-Kremlin relations comes with much responsibility, but he didn’t listen. He does not understand. He is not ready.”