WASHINGTON D.C. – Despite claims that he has cut ties with his company’s business ventures while in the White House, Donald Trump is still micromanaging pricing for some real-estate: in his Monopoly game.
According to Hasbro, the cost of building houses and hotels for properties in Monopoly: Trump Edition has skyrocketed, at Trump’s request, making it virtually unplayable. Players have to circle the board dozens of times before earning enough money to buy even the shitty dark purple properties. Once purchased, the prices for adding houses and hotels are astronomical, unless you want to stiff your contractors (which could end up costing you more per house if they sue you). And the price for renting one of these properties is even higher, with players forced to purchase an additional Taco Bowl when landing on Trump Tower.
“It’s really kind of ruined the experience,” says reigning world Monopoly champ Nicolò Falcone. “A typical monopoly game is supposed to take an hour or two, but this variant sees a single game go on for months at a time, because no one can afford to buy anything. You think you’re getting somewhere, but then you pull the beauty contest card, Trump sees you naked, and you have to pay a third of your income to a therapist for the next 12 turns. On top of that, instead of going to jail, you get deported, and then you have to find your way over the border wall to get back in the game, which is a real hassle. Plus the game’s aesthetics are off. I always used to be the top hat, but now I’m stuck circling the board in a “Make America Great Again” hat. It’s degrading.”
Falcone has gone so far as to say that he won’t be competing in this year’s Monopoly championship if Hasbro decides to use this new Trump Edition. “Board games are supposed to be an escape from reality,” said Falcone, “but this new version is just as tedious and unfair as real life American socio-political landscape under Trump.” In response to these claims, the Trump administration threw Falcone directly in a jail for undocumented immigrants. Falcone was not allowed to pass go or collect $200.