WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to curb growing concern over the repeal of Obamacare with no apparent replacement, congressional Republicans are promising to provide an apple a day to all Americans after the ACA is repealed. For those Americans faced with losing their healthcare, the “apple a day” proposal is intended to provide a working substitute for the preventative care they might have otherwise received.
Answering questions at a recent town-hall event, Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said, “Of course we understand folks are concerned. But studies of wise colloquialisms tell us that an apple a day will keep the doctor away. And apples are a hell of a lot cheaper than prescription medicine and sterilized hypodermic needles. So, we’re providing all Americans with at least one apple a day just to show we’re serious about the health of our constituents.” Ryan added, “Now if you don’t eat your daily apple, and you wind up sick and dead, well, that’s on you, America. This nation needs to learn about personal responsibility, and that starts with consuming your government issued fruit.”
When asked about how the Food and Drug Administration will handle the massive operation of issuing one apple a day to every citizen, and whether this policy betrays conservative ideals of limited government, Speaker Ryan seemed unconcerned. “There’s plenty of cheap immigrant labor across this great country more than willing to pick and deliver fruit at little cost to the American taxpayer.” When asked what will happen to the program once Trump starts deporting these migrant workers, Ryan replied, “We’ll cross that bridge – or border wall – when we come to it.”