BURLINGTON – At the first light of dawn on Saturday morning, the US Senator from Vermont and America’s favorite grandpa Bernie Sanders hunched over his toilet, gritted his teeth and squeezed as hard he could. Sweat beading down his forehead and grimacing with pain, the former Democratic candidate for President of the United States was feeling the burn. Quite literally.
Quickly tucking his manhood back into his donkey print boxer shorts to come talk to the media, Sanders looked worn. “My fellow citizens. I know many of you have been standing outside waiting to hear my condition. In terms of my own personal pain threshold, the feeling is somewhere between a vicious Doberman biting my third leg and my what-have-you being slow roasted over a grill on the fourth of July.”
Humbly noting that he is not special, and that symptoms like his are “rampant” among elderly men, Senator Sanders diagnosed himself with a UTI. “A Urinary Tract Infection, as I understand it, is the most likely cause of uncomfortable urination for older men. Millions of old geezers everywhere feel the burn every day.”
Optimistic the condition would soon pass, the Vermont Senator ended his press conference on call to action. “If this experience has taught me anything, it’s the importance of universal health care to all, the value of raising the public consciousness for health issues for the elderly, and the absolute necessity for a quality soothing balm. Seriously, we’re the only major country in the world with such a poor selection of effective ointments, and we have more old folks hunkered over the toilet trying to pee than any other major country on Earth. It’s a disgrace”
Feeling a sudden urge to tinkle, Mr. Sanders quickly ended the press conference and waddled into the little boy’s room. From inside the stall, reporters could hear Mr. Sanders shouting, “The millionaires And billionaires are going to pay for this!”