HALIFAX, NOVIA SCOTIA—Calling the finding “one of the most important archaeological discoveries of the 21st century,” a team of archaeologists from Cambridge University announced Wednesday that they have excavated the world’s earliest known archaeologist.
“We’re incredibly excited about this discovery as it will undoubtedly provide us with new insights on how our early archaeological ancestors lived,” said lead archaeologist Dr. Art Kappleman, who found the archaeologist entombed in a bed of ice during a dig in Nova Scotia. “We analyzed the skeleton’s bone structure and were able to classify the specimen as a Homo sapien male between the ages of 40-45. Additionally, a carbon dating analysis determined that the archaeologist—who we’ve nicknamed “Lenny” dates all the back to 1972 A.D., the Nixonian Era.”
According to sources, Lenny’s body was in such a well-preserved state that researchers were able to theorize not only how ancient archaeologists lived but also how they evolved.
“It’s fascinating. The clothing found on Lenny’s skeleton indicate that while archaeologists in his generation also wore tweed jackets, leather patches had not yet developed over the elbows. Their long, unkempt hair also suggested that they preferred to blend in with the wild, whereas today—with much fewer threats—we tend to fashion our hair into a ponytail, ” Kappleman continued. “There were a number of similarities, however. For instance, we were able to conclude that Lenny was an omnivore judging by his dental records as well as traces of trail mix and beef jerky found in his leather knapsack.”
While the Princeton University faculty ID card that the team extracted from Lenny’s corduroy pants suggest that he had migrated all the way from modern-day New Jersey, the greater mystery lies in why he chose Nova Scotia to be his final resting place.
“Sadly, we may never know Lenny’s true fate,” Kappleman told reporters while staring wistfully at the digital recreation of what Lenny would’ve looked like during his time. “We discovered him in a hunched-over position, so I like to think he perished the same way many of us modern archaeologist do; foraging for fossils, arrow heads or departmental funding. Perhaps he was searching for an earlier archaeologist or even a dinosaur. Perhaps he walked amongst the dinosaurs many decades ago. It’s just one of those mysteries we may never know.”