WASHINGTON DC – Declaring, that it was time for everyone to get their heads straight and confront reality, President Obama dropped some seriously trippy news on the nation. The results of an administration-commissioned study have determined that for the longest time, the United States has been stumbling around under the influence of an Ambien induced fever dream.
Chief among the litany of side effects is the mad genie in a bottle known as the American Dream, an utterly nonsensical mental construct whose central conceit is the enthusiastic veneration of those who suffer intense hardships imposed by society, if and only if, they somehow overcome those harrowing odds and become rich and successful. Any other narrative besides this rags-to-riches-through-hardwork delusion is considered utterly un-American.
Obama said that he hoped that the nation as a whole would be able to drag their doped up souls out of the phantasmagorical hellscape we’ve existed in and become decent people again while allowing that withdrawal was going to “be a real bitch.”
The President did note the concept of the American Dream began well before Ambien was invented. However, since 1992 when the FDA approved sedative-hypnotic Zolpidem, active ingredient in Ambien, we’ve been “pretty much tripping our balls off.” The worst part of it was some weird, super-complicated space time shenanigans that are best understood by watching the movie “Interstellar.”
With an estimated 50-70 million Americans suffering from insomnia, the side effects have worked their way into the collective unconscious in myriad ways. While finding a sensible replacement for the American Dream is the top priority, the administration acknowledged that it would require immense resources to clean up the residual psychic detritus.
Obama finished up his statement by announcing the creation of a new federal department. The Dream Police.
“These tireless men and women will live inside of our heads. They will come to us in our beds. Separating somnambulist fancy from gritty reality will be their mission. I understand that erasing walking nightmares like Sarah Palin, Hootie and the Blowfish, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, and JNCO jeans from our collective consciousness is no easy task. However, we will try our very best, and we will succeed.”
Obama mentioned that the cool parts of the American Dream like bald eagles, perfectly maintained lawns, and high quality BBQ equipment, would be preserved.