Amazon Prime to Begin Delivering Babies

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Baby wearing a cozy hat sitting up in a wheeled crib

SEATTLE — Claiming that the childbirth industry is awash in serious inefficiencies and backwards thinking, master disruptor Jeff Bezos has declared that Amazon Prime would begin delivering babies by next spring. As the founder of Amazon, Bezos has a great deal of experience getting little bundles of joy to the masses, and he considers himself uniquely qualified for optimizing human reproduction. The number of Prime members is estimated to be 54 million people which is the highest concentration of seriously impatient people the world has ever seen. Bezos is betting on them big time.

“Books, babies. There really isn’t any difference.” Bezos said. “It’s just stuff to move and that’s mainly about packaging. Speaking of that, why do we need to put babies in uteruses? That’s medieval thinking there. We gotta think outside the box.” Bezos said.

“We also have to put babies in the box. Finnish people have a great idea with sending their expecting citizens these cool boxes that serve as the kid’s bed and is all loaded up with useful childrearing gear. They didn’t go far enough though. You still have to go out to the hospital and get the kid delivered there, then bring it back to the box. Prime babies will come in the box – and hey, if you happen to need to take the Redeye to New York or have better things to do besides wait around for someone to wipe the kid down and give it shots or whatever, Prime babies can be forwarded anywhere you need to go.

Bezos also expanded upon his vision, claiming that Prime babies would grow up to become highly optimized, next generation Prime people. He argued that starting from birth was the only reasonable way to go. His research projected that a freshly delivered Prime baby would immediately have the cognitive ability of a really smart, well adjusted, three-year-old.

Bezos concluded that he wasn’t satisfied with just finding solutions for distribution, Amazon Prime is also putting feelers out on making improvements on the production side as well.