WASHINGTON DC – In the aftermath of the national election, a comprehensive survey sheds more light on what issues Americans feel are causes for worry. According to the data, a rare consensus was reached as “Everything” was declared to be the most prominent problem facing the nation.
“Basically, everyone is stressed the hell out,” lead researcher Madelyn Stuart explained. “When we first started figuring out the parameters of this survey we figured we’d be able to break things down into categories and come up with some actionable insights for each area of concern. Well, we were super wrong about that because tons of people had unique issues they were concerned with and there is no way we were getting the funding to deal with all of it.
So, we put Everything on the list of responses and the rest is history.”
A sampling of the list of concerns reads like a modern-day Necronomicon – except real – and includes: incompetent politicians, artificial intelligence, deteriorating infrastructure, climate change, climate change deniers, rogue drones, Rogue One, nuclear war, gun control advocates, gun control opponents, freaks, geeks, Mercury in retrograde, private prisons, that Neflix will eventually stop being awesome, and zoo disasters.
While the raw data may present a story of unrivaled despair and misery for years to come, researchers are confident that the lack of faith in societies’ institutions to solve any problem at all would result in a populace content to suffer in silence, resigned to a terrible fate – so, no pressure.