It may be too late to give mom a thoughtful gift this Mother’s Day, but, if you’re on a budget, and want mom to forget her disappointment in your pathetic life, we’re here to help. We have just the wines to get your mother, grandmother, or court-appointed female caretaker Mother’s Day HAMMERED:
1) DUI Limited Reserve Sauvignon Blanc– $4.99 for 750 mL bottle
This crisp addition to your table will both layer notes of citrus and fresh garden herbs to your light supper and with render your mom incapable of driving or operating heavy machinery within 3 glasses. DUI Limited Reserve wine is delicious, inexpensive and is proven to put your mom over the legal limit, so don’t let her behind the wheel of a car.
2) Kentucky Backwash Harbor Rosé– $6.99 for 750 mL bottle
Stewed for weeks with melon rinds, strawberry tops, grass clippings, and whatever slop the hogs have left in their troughs, this farm country blend is incredibly potent for the price. Backwash Harbor Vineyards have recently resumed production after an unfortunate E. coli outbreak, so mom can drink without worry!
3) Cesarean Section Cabernet– $9.99 for 750 mL bottle
Is there a nursing mom in your life? Once her bundle of joy is down for a disco nap, hand her a glass of C-section. Few wines are doctor recommended for the health and recuperation of new mothers, and because this vintage is high in protein and Omega-3s, junior sees the benefits when he bellies up to the bra- I mean, bar, later.
4) GRÄP– $11.99 for magnum bottle
This Swedish import is technically a fortified wine with a sweet and refreshing artificial grape taste (compare to American counterparts such as Ripple or Mad Dog 20/20). This hobo wine is prohibited from being manufactured and sold in the EU after a rash of alcohol poisoning deaths, but Europe’s loss is your mom’s gain!
5) SWILL Vodka– $12 for 1 liter bottle
Technically not wine, but hey, maybe she wasn’t technically super maternal.
Still too expensive? Get in the holiday spirit with Mom by grabbing half-finished wines not yet cleared at the Applebee’s patio down the street. Best of luck giving her a Mother’s Day she’ll never remember!