CHICAGO – Local man Ted Hayes 30 had spent a solid 10 minutes or so wistfully reminiscing about making out with his high school girlfriend, Lisa. He was totally reliving that moment when he’d gotten to second base, when he was suddenly hit with a distressing thought. It occurred to him that he was currently a 30 year old man lusting after a 15 year old girl. Horrified, Ted could only wonder in dull shock, if he was in fact, a bad guy.
Not being entirely sure if he could trust his own judgement, he texted all his buddies and had them convene at the corner bar. After a few rounds, a significantly buzzed Ted presented his dilemma in as casual a manner as he could manage. “So, what do you say? Am I a bad guy?”
“Nah, man, you’re a good guy” his best friend Steve said. “It’s a paradox like Schrödinger’s cat or something. When current you thinks about teenage you doing stuff, then you’re legit 16 and 30 at the same time. Its science and biology, dude. What can you do?”
His friend Bill, who in addition to being a fairly belligerent drinker, had recently become a father to twin girls, wasn’t so ready to give Ted a pass.
“That’s a bunch of crap. Unless you at least made an effort to age her up a bit in your memory, you’re at the very least, kind of creepy,” he said. “Tell me that you at least tried to find her on Facebook or something to reconcile the versions if you start thinking about her again. You can’t just toss up your hands and claim, science. Take some responsibility.”
Joe was quick to interject, “I don’t know, Bill. What if she totally peaked back then like he did. I mean, Ted had cool hair and was in really good shape back then. Now look at him — who wants to fantasize about that? Glory days, homie!”
While the general consensus was that the wayward thoughts were not proof positive that Ted was a bad guy, he had to admit that in retrospect, he was glad the relationship didn’t last long and that he and Lisa never went all the way.
“Thank God she was saving herself for marriage. I don’t know what I’d be thinking if I had a memory of us having sex. Sixteen-year-old me is pissed, but current me really can’t deal with that level of creepiness.”
The night ended on a positive note as the group observed a group of fresh faced women walk by and assured themselves that in another 15 years or so it the argument would be moot. There was no doubt that middle aged Ted would be trolling for 22-year-olds by then.