2016 Can’t Decide Which Universally Beloved Celebrity to Kill off Next

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hollywood walk of fame star with a question mark on it

LOS ANGELES – 2016 has been a good year for celebrity deaths, and 2017 will be a great year for award show celebrity in-memoriam reels. From Prince and David Bowie to Alan Rickman and Gene Wilder, the legends this year have been dropping like flies. The question is: who’s next? Sources close to the year say that 2016 is having a hard time choosing the next universally beloved celebrity to cruelly snatch away from us all.

Red carpet reporter Claudinne Caro explained why it’s going to be hard for 2016 to keep the streak going. “What makes the celebrity deaths this year so special has to do with identity. For a lonely gay kid or outsider trying to figure out his or her place in the world, Prince and David Bowie were not just stars but idols who made it okay to be yourself. Gene Wilder wasn’t just a talented comedic actor, but someone who offered hope that there might be some magic in the universe. By yanking these role models off the planet, 2016 has really left a hole in the heart of this ol’ world, and given millions a reason to believe that it all really is that messed up. To keep that going will be a tough task to say the least. But if anyone can do it, it sure as hell will be this godawful year.”

Tons of Hollywood gossip columns are speculating over the next big star to hit the bucket before 2016 draws to a close, but so far no names have come to the fore. Caro explained the dilemma. “The obvious answer is somebody really old, but killing off a Jack Nicholson or Morgan Freeman would be too obvious. Do you instead go with an international treasure like Tom Hanks or Paul Simon? Or maybe a superstar in their prime like Beyoncé or Jennifer Lawrence?

Some say the best approach is to go with someone out of left field, who is generally liked and not expected to pass, like Billy Crystal or Ellen DeGeneres. For example, can you imagine how many people would say, ‘Oh for real, Samuel L Jackson died? That sucks!’? Probably quite a few.” When asked if it’s possible for 2016 to go too far, Caro did offer one name. “Well, it’s obvious that this year is pissed, and it will do whatever it wants. Still, I think Paul McCartney would be a rough choice. I’m not sure the world could take the loss of a Beatle this year, along with everything else.”