THE BIBLE BELT – Local churchgoer and secret infidel Shannon Beauliver finally spilled the beans. In a tearful confessional to her mother, she admitted that her self-identifying moniker, “spiritual but not religious,” is really just code for “Atheist.”
“I thought I could keep one foot in the religious door for judgmental relatives and holidays, and still not give ten percent of my income to build shrines to a 2000 years old dead guy,” explained the in-deep-shit Mrs. Beauliver. “But my family, they just didn’t accept that. They all keep telling me that I need to piss or get off the God-pot, and every time I said ‘I’m spiritual, not religious’ they just wanted to dig deeper. I just…I couldn’t keep up the façade anymore…”
Mrs. Beauliver stopped trusting the existence of God a few years back when she thought about it for more than two seconds. Ever since then, she’s used the term “spiritual, but not religious” to describe herself, hoping it would throw her devout neighbors and loved ones off her trail. However, because “spiritual not religious” is literally the most annoying thing you could possible self-identify as, all those close to Beauliver began to get suspicious.
Reports indicate that Mrs. Beauliver, being one of those infuriating people that want to have their God cake and eat it too, couldn’t even find solace at her local AA (Atheists Anonymous) meeting. When Beauliver admitted her confession to the group, it was widely seen as a betrayal, and that the seed of doubt hadn’t been sewn in her heart like the other non-believers thought. Eyewitnesses reported that whispers of “heretic” circled around the room.
“Oh god, does this mean I have to join the church again?” cried Mrs. Beauliver to the congregation. “Getting up early on Sunday, smelling old lady farts at the pew, listening to boring old fairy tales I’ve heard a million freaking times before…I don’t think I can cope you guys…”
At that moment, according to witnesses, an old cynic from the back of the skeptic’s circle stood up, pointed at Mrs. Beauliver with a trembling arm and yelled, “Liar! She’s a liar! She’s no Doubting Thomas, she’s a regular Bible-thumbing Beauliver! She has rejected the meaninglessness of the universe, and has fraternized with the enemy! She is a God-flopper! Burn the God-flopper!”
At press time, the Athiests Anonymous group was seen carrying Mrs. Beauliver towards the town square, screaming in unison, “Burn the flopper! Burn the flopper!”