BOULDER – Scientists at the Bumsen Burner Center for Flatulent Studies have made a breaking discovery: gas emissions from vegetarian humans now outgas them all. Dr. Bessie Beefer began studying the fartnomenon after doing flatulent field research on cows. Beefer’s ass-istant, Dr. Fanny Cheeksqueak, was helping her measure methane.
“I kept thinking I’d stepped on a duck,” said Beefer, “but those quacks came from Fanny, who is vegetarian. Methane levels around her were greater than the whole herd of cattle. In fact, cows began leaving for better-smelling pastures.”
Dr. Cheeksqueak apologized for clouding the research, but Dr. Beefer reassured her this could lead to a fresh theory on stale wind. Beefer invited Cheeksqueak to round up her vegetarian colleagues for further toot testing. After having beans and sauerkraut sodas, the herd of vegetarian scientists took their places on the grassy field like a tuba concerto. Pretty soon methane levels exploded, enough to create air turbulence in a rumble of brown thunder.
Everyone was concerned how vegetarian gas emissions could deplete the ozone, contribute to global warming, and break wind patterns, so Dr. Beefer decided to get to the bottom of it.
“I don’t mean to blast vegetarians any more than they’re blasting us,” said Dr. Beefer, “but I can’t give them a pass on this gas. Let’s cut to the cheese, I mean, the chase: vegetarian venting is contributing to global warming. Of course, I need to do some more backend research.”
Vegetarians were shocked by Beefer’s accusations, and some were quick to look around and blame somebody else. Others declared this a free speech issue, then farted together in solidarity.