NEW YORK CITY – Earlier this week President Elect Donald Trump cancelled a long-planned interview with the New York Times, a media outlet Trump notoriously mistrusts. Instead, he agreed to a casual meeting in the Trump Tower basement over a couple of drinks with the Times…The New Roman Times.
Despite all evidence from his 3:00am Tweets, Trump famously doesn’t drink, but this evening Trump seemed eager to let loose before assuming the staggering responsibility of leading the free world. Once the first glass of wine was ordered, it quickly became apparent why Trump had summoned the New Roman Times for this casual meeting: to vent his frustrations to a source he trusted.
Trump grumbled, “The New York Times are a nasty bunch. Very unreliable organization. They show photos of me with a double chin, and I don’t have a double chin! It’s not like I’m Rosie O’Donnell over here! The New Roman Times, by contrast, are really with the times, let me tell you. You reflect to the people the real craziness of what’s going on, and I hear about it all the time. It’s just brilliant journalism: bigly insightful, fantastically rigorous, and unbiased in any way…I know because it’s on the internet! None of that phony print stuff.”
Later in the evening, Mr. Trump became belligerently intoxicated. He slurred his words, but continued to speak magnanimously about our news publication in his drunken stupor. “You’re bringing the American people the REAL…you hear me, the REAL truth…believe me folks. It’s really really weally the twooth, yes it is.” The President elect then stumbled over to the elevator to go pass out in his lonely penthouse suite atop Trump tower.