Survival Tips for Evading Nature’s Fiercest Predator: Angry White Men

Female park rangers gather in small group to discuss what's on a piece of paper that one is holding.

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK-As Americans gear up for summer travel, especially in our nation’s many parks and forest preserves, park rangers are working hard to make sure first-time campers and hikers take precautions against droves of angry white men, seen in record numbers. “They’ve been out, early and often this year,” said Park Ranger and expert on angry white men, Brighton Early. “I blame conservative radio hosts and InfoWars for drawing them out in the open.”

We asked Early to walk us through what to do when confronted with an angry white man in his natural habitat (John Deere outlet stores, NASCAR Races and Trump Rallies). He left us with a number of actions you can take to ward off angry white men and stay safe around them.

  • Cloak yourself in the garb of the angry white man. If you wear a ‘Make America Great Again’ hat, orange camo or a t-shirt that disparages Liberals, he may mistake you as one of his own and not see you as a threat. RANGER SUGGESTION: Remove yarmulkes, hijabs and ‘I’m With Her’ campaign buttons temporarily for safety.
  • Familiarize yourself with angry white man calls. When the beast hears a cry that resembles his own, it may ease his agitation. In your best booming voice try saying the following statements:

“Immigrants are here to steal jobs from hardworking Americans!”

“All Lives Matter!”

“Jesus, Ronald Regan and Santa were white!”

  • Try to appear more physically imposing than the angry white man. If you find yourself seated next to one, try and spread your legs as far as they will go. This is an angry white man practice called “letting the boys air out.” RANGER SUGGESTION: Go in for a nice firm handshake to win the angry white man’s respect, but do not attempt to ‘dap’ with him.

If confronted by an angry white man, you must ABSOLUTELY NEVER:

-Insinuate that he is either racist or sexist

-State the words “Happy Holidays”

-Ask him to sign your Greenpeace or Equal Rights petitions

If you find yourself in danger with one or more angry white men, don’t panic! Use your best judgement, and never hesitate to ask for a ranger’s help.