WASHINGTON D.C. – According to sources close to the President, the outgoing Commander in Chief was found shoving Top Secret Nuclear launch codes into his mouth in the White House cafeteria shortly after a meeting with President Elect Donald Trump concluded. When the source asked the President what he was doing, he muttered “saving the human race” and went on to mention, with a mouth full of paper, “you wouldn’t give a toddler keys to the Death Star would you?” The President apparently was enjoying his Nuclear Codes with a fifth of Jack Daniels and Sriracha sauce.
Other members of the President’s staff have been seen destroying sensitive documents as well. A source told this reporter that Vice President Biden was rolling joints with his classified documents. When the source asked Mr. Biden if he was ok, the VP reportedly screamed “I’m tripping balls!” Mr. Biden then removed his tie, put it around his head, and began smashing up his office screaming, “Fascists don’t deserve things that aren’t broken!”